There was a fascinating article in the Washington Post magazine about “toxic parents,” although the actual subject was a little broader: how parents view their relationship with their children. I have written in the past about how we view young people (this post references “Youth Gone Wild” scares and this one focuses on the evil influence of popular culture on children).
Marc Fisher’s article focuses on two parenting styles: helicopter parents (constantly hovering over every move their kids make) and toxic parents (so hands-off as to be almost absent). My kids are now in their early Twenties, but I still remember those days clearly. I found that many parents who were letting their kids run around fell into two groups: my parents were so strict I’m going to let you do all the things I was never allowed and I was allowed to do everything and you’ll be allowed too. I constantly got the vibe that these people, particularly mothers, were dying to be their children’s best friends.
I was therefore greatly amused at this section that comes at the end of the article, when Fisher finally gives us the point-of-view of the children:
One girl tells me about her friends’ parents who “are really naive and just stay upstairs whenever kids are over” or even “buy their kids the liquor ’cause they think teenagers will be teenagers.” Some of these parents are so eager to be considered cool that they drink with the kids. “God, get your own friends,” this girl says.
What some parents don’t get, several kids said, is that “nobody cares if the parents are cool.” What they do crave are parents who act like parents.
A senior girl spoke of attending a New Year’s party where more than 100 high school kids showed up, drank heavily and tore the place apart right in front of the father of the house. “It was freaky,” she says. “I didn’t have any respect for him. He was in the room the whole time, and he just let it all happen. I would never allow that kind of party in my house. He’s supposed to be the parent.”
Oh, man! So right on!
Seriously, you’re looking for validation of your “coolness” from a 15-year-old? Reality check on aisle three!
I remember vividly what it was like to be a kid. There seems to be this strange amnesia that overcomes a lot of parents when they hit adulthood and they seem to forget everything they ever went through. They lay down the law and then are upset when their children don’t happily march along. Or their kids complain and then they feel like giving up. Or they can’t quite get in the groove of being the adult nor can they remember what kids want and need.
Kids want structure and direction. They will bitch and complain every step of the way. Wherever you lay the boundaries, they will try to stretch it out a little further. They will be embarrassed at your presence and scared at your absence.
If you read my posts linked in the first paragraph, you can tap into my other interest. Despite the statistics that show young people are in less trouble, they’re viewed as more dangerous. Drug use is down, teen pregnancy is down, teen violence is down. But adults think the kids are all taking drugs, having sex and shooting up schools in huge nationwide numbers. Fisher identifies one effect of this:
Intentionally or not, some parents are communicating to their kids that it’s fine for teens to drink or smoke pot. While only 12 percent of non-users in 12th grade say their parents approved of them drinking beer, 38 percent of seniors who drink believe their parents are okay with that. Similarly, while only 3 percent of seniors who don’t smoke pot believe their parents approve of marijuana use, 15 percent of seniors who do smoke say they have their parents’ consent.
And while many parents believe teenage substance abuse is inevitable, the survey numbers tell a different story. Marijuana use has been in persistent decline at all grade levels in the Maryland study, with the most recent results showing that 16 percent of 10th-graders reported smoking pot in the last month, down from 23 percent in 1994. Drinking numbers also declined, though they are much higher, at 31 percent for 10th-graders, down from 45 percent a decade ago.
You then get overprotective parents who won’t give their kids any leeway at all (thus robbing them of the chance to develop decision-making skills) and parents who think they are helpless to stop their kids from drinking (so they might as well help by hosting the drinking parties in their homes).
Marc Fisher did an online chat yesterday, which gives more details on this issue.