As the year comes to an end, it’s traditional to look back and offer some sort of “Best Of, Worst Of” designation. I’m not sure I’m really up to it, but let’s pretend I care, for a second.
Worst Song of the Year
For months, I’ve been hearing complaints about the Black Eyed Peas‘ hit single “My Humps.” To be frank, it had passed me by. Shockingly, I don’t listen to the radio or watch MTV, so I was clueless. When I heard the content of the song, I thought it was a joke. Then I looked up the lyrics and awareness dawned. This was a song for people who thought that Kelis‘ song “Milkshake” was just too subtle, with its claim that her “milkshake” brought all the boys to the yard, based (one presumes) on the notion that the female breast contains thousands of tiny lobules, designed to produce milk in late pregnancy and after childbirth, and that if one shakes one’s breasts to attract the opposite sex, that it can be compared paronomastically to the beverage typically made from milk and ice cream.
And so the inevitable progression is “My Humps,” a paean to the irresistible lure of the protruding wads of fatty tissue on the chest of Fergie (not too mention her buttocks, perhaps due to an abundance of fat in the gluteal region); these physical features are charmingly referred to as her “hump(s)” or “lovely lady lumps.” One tends to think of humps as being located on the back, as in Kyphosis, but the word also has that irresistible sexual connotation, so one can understand its allure to a lyricist.
As the song points out, men often compensate attractive women with expensive gifts; but men ought to confine themselves to a visual assessment and not attempt any physical advances or the woman in question may instigate a dramatic public outburst, which would probably lead to prosecution for sexual harassment.
Fergie clearly has contemporary taste in fashion: Dolce & Gabbana, Fendi, Donna Karan. But these seem a trifle obvious. And her jean choices seem ultra trendy: Seven Jeans and True Religion. What’s it gonna be next year, Fergie? Rock & Republic jeans? I’m beginning to suspect you’re a fashion slut. So, no mixing of your milk with my Cocoa Puffs or Health Valley Oat Bran Flakes or whatever.
And the Peas laugh all the way to the bank…
Here are two versions of the amazingly awful video: For this one, you get to see the original images, but the audio is replaced by a dorky a capella version; this one has the original audio, but with the antics performed by toy robots.
Best Song of the Year
Never been a big Mariah Carey fan. Back in 1990, the music wasn’t interesting and she seemed to be a vocal show-off in the mold of Whitney Houston. Later, it was the Judy Garland effect; people visibly on the edge of having a breakdown make me nervous. But I gotta tell you, “Shake It Off” is completely infectious. It proves that real divas don’t need to be drama mammas. Sometimes they generate heat by keeping it on a slow steady simmer.
See the video here.
(No, it’s not really the best song. It’s impossible to determine such things, and so arbitrary. Besides, everybody knows it’s Amerie‘s “1 Thing.”)
UPDATE: I am informed by one of my fashion consultants, that Paige Jeans are a nice premium denim brand. In case you were wondering.